It's been a tough couple years for crypto protocols. Almost every month a new vulnerability in TLS come out that flattens everything. In this talk I'll explain the latest set of cryptographic vulnerabilities in plain english. By the end of the talk you'll hopefully know the difference between FREAK, LogJam, NOOB, DROWN, POODLE and SLOTH (only one of these is made up). We'll be breaking good crypto and bad with side-channels, signing oracles and downgrades. I'll also explain how the latest changes to TLS are supposed to fix things and how the entire house of cards may topple once quantum computers arrive.