When we can't use the Internet anymore---either because it's gone, or because we can't trust it---how can we share our cat GIFs, tear gas remedies, or recipes for Roasted Rodent Ratatouille? The Perfectly Legitimate Project creates a decentralized, Internet-optional system of sharing data among a group of nodes without relying on easy-to-locate mesh networks. PLP uses whatever’s available to move heavily-encrypted payloads around, including short-range wireless communications (on license-free VHF, UHF, ZigBee, or WiFi), sneakernet, or tasty (and nutritious!) carrier pigeons. PLP has four components: NATASHA and MOOSE provide user-friendly services (such as email, wikis, and blogs) to any end-user without a need for specialized hardware or customized software, while BORIS and SQUIRREL let couriers use any means necessary to ship data with a derivative of the interplanetary Disruption-Tolerant Networking protocol. The end result is a system that's OPSEC-capable, easy to use, and can be deployed when zombies attack---or when you're just tired of having your adversaries listen through the fillings in your teeth. Our presentation will focus first on the threat model, including the reasons why standard answers (such as mesh networks), while they might solve the problems of disaster relief, can't solve for a hostile adversary. We will then move on to the PLP architecture, including the end-user services (MOOSE), the DTN creation and routing (NATASHA), the DTN payload (SQUIRREL), and the optional unified transmission system (BORIS). Finally, we will demonstrate using the services to share information between separate darknet nodes, both using mobile devices for sneakernet, and using radio. Our code is all open source, and we welcome feedback, criticism, and patches.