When you hear you are being profiled for which books you check out in a library, what do you do with this knowledge? Do you tell your friends to "evade," to not check these books out, or to find other means of getting this content? No. You tell everyone in the world to deliberately check these books out (and now we have had the pleasure of reading Catcher in the Rye). This talk is about looking signature detection in the face and confusing or saturating the tool or analyst. A number of techniques will be explored, including a fun malware signature trick called a tumor (it's OK, it's benign), and others focusing on open source Intrusion Detection Systems. There may be some random banter about grocery loyalty cards, too. Although this talk intends to be just as technical as expected at a conference like this, it will also be light, fun, and philosophical in nature. Expect a gratuitous slide deck, lots of terminal action, signatures in the nude, hex, and beautiful regex.